Hey , Im back . Hah . So how's life been doing for you guys ? How about me ? Simply fallen over heels with my korean band and group especially the boys . Its been ages that Ive last updated that is almost 1 month ago that I last updated but Im alright just full of ups and downs , I guess . Lets talk bout some other stuff , who can answer these question means they do really know me in and out .

1. What is my most favorite color ? Thats really simple questions .

2. What is my most favorite food ? Simple as always . This is just a warm up .

3. What types of guys does I like ? Its getting difficult .

4. Does Ayu have a weird taste when liking a guy ? Its either yes or no .

5. Do you think Ayu's excuse to learn how to be independent is just an excuses so that those people who surround her , will worry for her ?

6. What type of person is Ayu ?

7. Currently , does she like anyone from her campus ?

8. What's her favorite drinks ?

9. Is she choosy and fussy when it comes to food ?

10. What's her shoes size ?

Thats all for now . I'll be back .

Hey, Im back . Actually all those question is so easy .

Life is so dull these days. Dont ask me why, anyway, if Taeyang of Big Bang needs a girl. How about me? What do I need in life? Maybe I need what..Can anyone tell me about it..? Some girls got but I dont really have that at all. Its because they are pretty while Im average. I made a promise with my dad that I will be single for 5 years and this is my 3rd year of being single. I made a promise. Promise is a promise. I will make up to it. So, people around me dont worry bout me. I will not die without them. Let it be that way but that doesnt mean I will let my parents find for me but I will look by myself.

I really wish that I will get infected by hemoptysis. Coughing blood stain and people will get shocked with it and they will start to regret their mistake and this is what I say great, they deserves this. Serve you right for taking me for granted when I'm around and you doesn't know how to cherish me whenever I'm still around. I really hope that will cough blood and its bright blood right in front of your eyes and I wonder how's your reactions.

Now, all I can say that you'd better enjoy the satisfaction that I've give to you and when I have died and I hope that you will regret every minute that I've suffer when I leave under one roof w/ you inhuman people.

Best of luck, suckers!

If you cant challenge yourself by overcoming your fear,I dont see the point of living in this world.


Theres really no point in living if you dont challege yourself.


This will be my next year resolution in advance.


Things that I have done in my entire life was that to confess to a guy that I hardly known and that was shocking to my life ever. The moment was totally awkward but after awhile the guy start to avoid from me and my thoughts was that he doesnt like you and/or he doesnt know how to react and that was the first thing that I have ever done and thats my fear of confessing my love to someone but that wasnt the first one.

My first confession is when I was only 14 years old and I like this guy for almost 3 years straight and only my girl-friends know about this. There was once, I was his buddy and after awhile we fought over something trivial that we hated each other so much. After that incident, both of us stopped talking to each other.

Then after hating and dislike him so much that it wanna make me to confess to him again when both of us was 15 years old and until now I can still remember his birthday and what was his number in the past. I wanted to confess to him on the sec 3 adventure camp where all of the stream gather around to have camp for 3 days and 2 night! But it doesnt happen at all.

I dont wish to say so much and its been 3 years that Ive last opened up my heart.

Earlier on, I break fast eat fish soup. Mum cooks chinese cuisine as usual. Then after that had a private conversation with dad and today's topics was that is it good to get married along with parents arrangement or just find by myself and I brought the topic because I dreamt about me marry with a stranger and I will feel and find alot of awkwardness between my husband and I so I asked my dad an Q & A question about marriage wanting to know much more depth info bout marriage.Few minutes ago, I ask my dad alot of questions bout marriage, for example, why did the bride cry when she hug her parents, does the couple feel awkwardness when 2 strangers stay in 1 house, does the wife needs the husbands permission to go out, when a lawfully wedded husband kiss on the wife's forehead, what does that mean. Is there any special meaning for that, what if you marry a person but another party has a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Flashback on my sunday's dream that is I get married with this guy and looks someone like Rahman(VE colleague) and hes muscular but kinda sensitive since my parents arranged this wedding that Ive asked them to. I went out with Nabeel(my religion friend) since we always bumped to each other at town area and he send me home even though he has married and until wad happen that both my husband and I are working at the same company and in the same time my bestfriend, Natasha was working in the same company as me and I shift my chair to Natasha and I talk to her and my husband turns his chair and wanting to hear everything after few minutes Natasha and I talked at the kitchen at the office and I was talking bout Nabeel with Natasha and he heard bout it and when its going home timee, both my husband and I took bus went back home besides we do have our vehicles and inside the bus both of us hold hands even though we are pissed off and we went up at the second storey of the bus, then when we have seated down, and I started to say something, "hey, even though when we've been married with each other for 3 months, Im still feeling awkward because we're seating together"and after that theres an empty seats and he shift there and I was kinda fed up and I gave Nabeel a call to meet up with me.

TBC!

Im free from him and because I have stopped liking him and now Im alone for once again. I wont like him back just because my friend ask me to but I will follow my heart but now my feelings for him is not there and I see no points liking him when we dont talk to each other. I will only end up getting hurt if Im waiting for him and because Im waiting for him secretly and its so pointless so I guess I'll just stopped the journey with him. In future days, there will be no update about him at all and Im glad that it end this way.

Even if people ask me, why arent you attached and I will tell them, I dont find anyone that interested like how I like Dinni and not because Im not straight or what and the fact that Im straight but Im not interested in this thing. I depend too much on myself that I missed out on this kind of thing and even I dont have anyone now in time to come, there'll be someone will share my happiness and it may not be happen now but one fine day with someone that much more better than Dinni and all for now I could said that Im happy with what I have and it doesnt really matter whether I have my soulmate with me at this kind of time. Im really happy with those friends that is surrounding me.

I want to go here and break fast but my best-sec-mate are so demanding as I didnt see him at all. Very demanding but seriously the views during the nights is soo nice.

Beast/B2st - Change [Dance Battle 2010]

Yo Seob is so cute and the guy is his hair in blonde-white. Hes cute and I didnt expected that hes 20+ years old and I thought hes only 19+ but whatever its BEAST, I like!

seriously, this time Im gonna move on with my life and theres something tat I wish to clarify bout Dinni. I no longer like him and all along I though I have feelings for him but actually my heart was just empty that I couldnt feel my heartbeat is beating very fast whenever I see him and I sometimes I just yearn to see him at school thats all. At last once or twice would be enough for me but now everything isnt the same like how it used to be and in the past I had feelings for him but now I dont have any feelings for him at all. This feelings has faded away since 3 months ago after that huge quarrel and so what we are friends back but we're not talking to each other and I dont see the point that we are back together as friend for. If marriage is just a piece of paper and how about friendship? You tell me about it. Is it piece of shit, piece of cake or piece of fun? I dont see the fun in our friendship and if you dare to come upto me that Im ur friend in front of your friend, I would belive you but this in nohing and so what I noe everything about him but we are not talking to each other at all. We are merely friends but we are not talking to each other and I guess I'll just stop my journey and things that got to do with you, Dinni. happy in your life.

Hey boy, are you sure that we are friends but in the last few weeks, my feelings wasnt there for you anymore and what does that means and do you understand my sentences and are we friends just @ FB? Like what I am trying to say that Marriage is just based on piece of a paper so is it the same as friendship with Dinni. This is how I feel towards Dinni bout my friendship and so what even if I know him in and out, whats the use but we dont talk to each other at all and we cant even bother to say hi to each other @ school. Seriously, whats the use?

Im not so over Dinni yet and thats for sure.

On Tuesday after the first lesson at school , first time ever

I hit my knuckles against this wooden plank inside workshop.

Right now, Im typing letters for my CA. Unofficial letter and I dont really have any idea how long will this take for this to happen. When on Monday night, I pray to God to put an illness inside my body, and if hes willing to do that then next day, it will raining and the next day it did rain heavily and somehow I forgetten what Ive wished on the previous days and it took quite awhile that he has received my prayers that he will put an illness inside my body. Now, Im coughing very badly and theres times that my tears will be automatically when Im praying to God and what I wished for, only He and I know bout this . Its between both of us. I can never tell my sad and unhappy moments with my parents or even anyone. I will only share it with Him. He brought me to this world and I only believes on Him. He is my saviour and I will love Him even though I cant see or even feel his presence but I know He'll always be there when I need him. What comes around goes around. I believe in karma.

For once again, I went MIA for 3 days and I diverted all my calls to my voicemails. Im not sure how long will this takes but if it possible I do really want to go back to schools and it feels that Im hidding @ home. Mum and Dad asked me, " what time you start school?" and I say around 9 plus or even sometimes I changed the timing. How long am I going to do this? I will have to face them once and for all. Dont make me fight back. I could even slap a bitch like you. Just dont test my limit and if you do that you will see the bad side of me and you wish that me behaving this way, I can prove it to you and if you liked it. Dont make my anger come out fully. The first time that my anger went out when I hit my knuckles towards this wooden plank. Dont push your luck too much and now Im hurting myself. Dont make me hit my knuckles Dont test my limit and thats all I could say to you.

Again not sure whether Im going to school or not. Maybe yes or no. Can YOU help me decide whether to go or not? I'll just follow my heart whether I should go to school or not. Listen to my heart and it will not go wrong for sure and my heart say tonight that I dont have to go school again for 3 more days and I really went MIA in action. My good friend, Afiqah told me to ignore them but Im an egoist person but I just cant put with those person anymore. All I could say that between Syifa and I are really went to nought and it seems that its really over.Our friendship is ruined by that bitch and what makes that shortie to say things bout me. Just her luck, I admit that she has that beautiful face but her character is really bullshit and I hate her alot and thanks to this female bitch I really gonna her so much. Son of a biatch! Dont make me hate you for life. My hatred towards you is not over even though its a sin to hate someone and besides everyone makes mistake. Im a person that will not be able to forgive and forget and besides Im bearing the grudges that its deep inside my heart, no forgiveness for that bitch!

Even though I didnt came to class and when I was otw to the forum to meet Nana and I happen to see Dinni and I thought I would be excited but I wasnt at any mood to look at him at all, and all I could do was just weird and thats I look down and didnt look at him at all but before that I saw a pair of shoe that look alike his shoe and I did that look up at his face whether its Dinni or not and its him but at time I wasnt in the mood at all so I couldnt care much about him.. Even though its almost like double happiness like Dad gave me money $36 for top-up card and school bag and now I happen to see Dinni even though Im feeling down and that wouldnt heal anything and thats all I could say.

My bestfriend and that is thumbdrive has been found at the MLC! But I never went to class and all I do was just I spent almost 5 hours at school just to do my project and tap my ezlink card stating that I actually came and now Im totally running away from my problem. I went MIA for 2 days and no one actually called or text me about my whereabouts. Now, Im guilty about MIA afor not coming to school and now Im not sure whether I want to go school tomorrow, this is the first time ever that I did not went to school for 2 days and I couldnt imagine that I never come to school for 2 weeks and thats really MIA gone case. But now, whats really on my mind is that I would want to write my CA a letter stating the truth that Im actually went MIA that I dont want to face those people inside my class.

Im back with Dinni, as in Im friend with him. I wrote him a message saying "Hey, Im not sure whether you still remember me or not. Can I be friends with you? I really want to be friends and I noe its not right for a girl to ask a guy this questions, all I wants to say to you that Im sorry about what happen and I know I was wrong, can we be friends?" and he reply me back saying "yeah sure" and when I read the message and I can feel that my heart is started to beat very fast. Good news, Im back with my heartbeat together. Im really happy that it started to beat very fast! Im back alive!

today was a raining and windy day,
my mood was totally changed like all of sudden,
all I could say that I saw Dinni @ Cafe 1 around 12plus!

Dinni in blue jacket wearing maroon polo t-shirt.

then saw Aidil, Husaini, Ghazali and somehow his classmate

and when I walked passed them, they were talking bout his classmate

saying Jacob biscuits and when I pass them and hear them talking bout it

and I listen to them.then when I see his classmate and I told myself, he either

never come to school or he is in school and maybe im not in luck to see him

at all. and den going to cafe 1 for meeting for projects( i will skip onto seeing dinni),

den at cafe 1, I spot him with his classmate and due to not seeing him around with Aidil and the rest. When I spotted him, I wasnt being myself at all. My reaction is totally over-reacting.

Im really glad that I happen to see him. His face didnt really change that much except for his hair ,still the same. Pfft..Somehow, his hair got changed a little bit like Taemin (SHINEE).

Then queuing to pay the drinks and saw Mickey Mouse and again, went crazy for once again. Like in two combo sets, so cool. Wait, am I eating or what, why do I say it was in combo?

Pathetic, my heart color is in pink but not that black that much. Cool,isnt it? A miracle for me and Im back in the past of Dinni and I. It sounds great, isnt it?

hey boy, why am I waiting and searching for you @ school. dont tell me that Ive started to like you or what. Im not sure whether Ive started to like you or not. You broke my heart once and I dont really want to feel it that way again. Im not trying to say that its not a good idea but I just want it to be the same but my feelings for him didnt really faded that much at all.

OMG! I see Dinni again while I was waiting for my next lesson @ Business block and when I see him , I cant be myself and I cant even look @ him at all. He has that fiery eyes that makes me avoid to make an eye contact with him. The feeling is totally scary. Even when hes not that near me, I would still be afraid to make an eye contact with him, not trying to say that I cant but its just that your eyes are too fiery for me to handle but still Ive seen you thrice today and its because Im having a lesson and in the same time, your class is just beside me and remember this, I only miss ya but not starting to like you.

Dinni, even though you are in front of me but not such a near distance but still Im not that bold enough to look @ you in yours eyes and even though you doesnt really recognise me anymore and I dont really mind @ all because you've forgotten me and I had gone from your life like forever and ever, but deep in my heart felts that you're the sweetest memory have I ever had in my life.

Im not giving up a forest just because of a tree and you're the last guy that Im gonna like.

I saw Dinni again twice like 1 a week I see him !! Wah!! So happy and just in time I miss him alot and I did get blushed and no one noticed at all. Im glad that Ive seen him! Im really happy! Missing him too much this days but not that much larh. Hahaha. Well, I dont really get to see him everyday like in the past and now I only have to pinned hope and luck whether I can see him or not. Happy alooot that I get to see him and how I wish I can sing but my voice is damn awful to the max.

Hey there, remember that I miss ya aloot but not the other way round and if I were to like you again and I dont think that is possible to happen because its sinking deep inside my heart, even if theres a small chance that I might like him but it would happen because it has already sinking deep and deeper. I will only have a crush and after that its gone. I dont wish to have another heartbreak again. I dont want to pinned too much hope on him. Ending up, that me , myself getting hurt.

I cant imagined if I were to have a boy-friend that much more better than Dinni but in the same time, if you were to go home with him and etc. For me, it'll be totally awkward for me to hold with someone that is a guy. I cant imagine that. I want to slim down myself not for boys but for myself!! I want to be much different, can I?

i couldnt believe that i just did tat, tat i want to laugh so much. im such a silly girl. hahaha.

miss her alot. her smile. her kindness towards everyone.

love her alot but it seems that i cant find that smile in my soul anymore and just feels that shes gone just like that.

already gone reminds me of kelly clarkson's song. hahaha.

In Loving Memory Of this is me. Nur Hidayu /Shayu Kim

13 April 1993 - 25 July 2010

Due to Brain Tumour.

May You Rest In Peace In Heaven.

* I was jokking around and dont take it seriously and as I was being bored to death and thats why I had this idea of doing this joke and I was just fooling around.*

im not broken hearted girls and its just that i want to know whats the different between emotions and love. im kinda dumbass when it comes to a relationship and in the past, I thought Im an expert when it comes to it but not it proves me wrong. i no longer feel any love in my life and i think that im turning to heart of stone instead of heart of red color. can i still turn back time and be myself like in the past.

what does this mean when a person cough very badly as if something bad will happen to her?

what does this mean when a person cough very badly that she cough with blood along with it?

does that means her days are numbered?

should she gave up just like that without trying hard to live her day?

or should she spend her day wisely until her day is up?

what if she wish that she have leukaemia or even brain tumour so that she'll be able to leave the world with peace even though she doesnt mind not having any boyfriend,husband or even children and for her, death is the best way for her to let go of everything and soon people will forget bout her and they will keep doing sin and doesnt repent.

do you want your beloved ones to leave you after another?

or should she just rest in peace without worry bout anything and leave everything to her family?

Dont give up a forest just because of a tree.

Even if my life span has been shorten, Im grateful that Im able to live happily until my days has been numbered and now I'll just leave happily even though my days has numbered.

I may not be in love now, but somehow He wanted me to give it a rest so that I wont be so broken heart after previous incident.

Besides Im not mad at him after what has happen, its good that him had told me the truth but not the lies.

Im just angry with myself, Im forcing someone to like me even though they dont even know me that well.

All I know that I will not force someone to like me but I will let time to make me heal my wound before Im going to start anything that concern my hearts

As far Im concern, my heart is sinking deeper and deeper. I dont mind that my heart is sinking deeper and deeper or even sink it more deep.

Kim Hyun Joong is so handsome too!! Love him aloooot!! Love him to the max!! But too bad his twin brother that is Dinni has cut his hair and transform himself onto Lee Taemin's hairstyles.

Lee Min Ho is soooooooooo handsome in Personal Taste, he look so handsome with his spikey hair. I love that kind of hairstyle and can I find someone with hairstyle like that? Its really so freaking handsome!!

The curse is broken that Dinni has made previous month after we had a huge argument and today while I was having my tea break and I was eating and I didnt really notice whoever was passing by and when Syifa came back and ask me , did you see him at here and I was like who.. and she say its Dinni and she say he has a new hairstyle like Taemin (SHINEE) and I was like; really. I told myself I will not search for him and I will wait for the chance to come then I will look at him and when my three of my friend went to toilet and my another girl-friend of mine was looking at someone focused and I ask her and I asked her, who is she looking at and she say to me , isnt that afiq/dinni and I turned back and check out whether it was him or not and indeed it was him and I continued to do my own stuff and after that I began to be curious how he looks and I keep turning around and I didnt get to see his face but only the side view and after that Wasi start to comment on me turning around and say, keep looking at boys (malay). and Dinni was at the snack bar and I turned behind again and finally I get to see him and I tell myself that the curse has broken.

OMG! I lost my USB that fills with all kinds of picture and docs!

SHIT!!

now, Im going to have a changes on my liking a person and that is I like Gay Boys that is handsome;hot stuff. Do they even exist?

why hot guy that is straight is like a jerk?! Arsshole!

Im still into the storyboardline called "Wedding dress" and its because aizal is leaving me for ryan and because Im dying due to my so called "illness". I shall stopped this as Im kinda tired of this thing at the moment.





Yesterday was touch rugby training and my first impression of the seniors was that they are having conflict for one thing got one guy the hairstyle was like totally like Rifdi(someone) or even Dinni's hairstyle but much longer.His fair was so much fairer than Rifdi.



Hey Rifdi, dont mind me. I was just giving example.

I guess I've forgetten about him. Totally went out of mind and it seems that its really gone at this minute and I find it very silly of me to let go of everything that I had in just few while and all I could say that I was stupid to let that tiny happiness to let go of this tiny opportunity and thats all I could say but as times comes by, I will forget about it and now Im in the process of forgetting him and I dont feel pain at all and this is the first time that I feel this away and its surprising for me to feel this way and now Im getting tired of this phrase " Im so sorry but I love you" and thats how I feel at this minute while writing down the storyboardline called "Wedding Dress" and I know the title of the storyboardline is kinda weird but I like it alot and its because Im the author of the story. I mean, isnt that the obvious enough that I enjoy it this much.

Im so sorry but I love you but the wishes has been grant and now I cant take back my words.How? I guess, I will just have to let it go. Im so sorry but I love you and thanks to my foul mouth, I cant take back my words since it has been grant.Maybe He wants to teach me a lesson of not wishing someone that I love to be gone from my life. So, Im so sorry but I love you. Only God knows what does this mean all about. Even Im not sure, what color is y heart at the moment and all I could say its sorrowful in my heart and too much sad in it. Its been ages that I didnt hear anything thats called, "I like you" or even "Hes so handsome" and the last time that I said that when I like Dinni and thats like almost 2 months ago. Theres once , I cursed Dinni's love life, saying that "hoping that your love life will be full of relationship" and now it seems to be at me.So, I guess I believe in karma.

it seems that that person is really gone from my life and it seems that this time round, my wish has come true and during my school days, I tried to go to the forum where we sees each other at there but he wasnt at there at all.since, im a stuborn girl that wanted to get what i want and think of others while shes in the last place bout everything so I guess, I only think of my pride when it comes to relationship. Can I take back my wishes that I wanted to have that making him gone from me? But, when I dont see him I will start to search for him everytime I sat at the forum. Can I take back my words and its been 2-4 days that I didnt see him. Only You knows what exactly I meant by that. I will not say it out loud because everything is in my heart and now Im not sure what color is my heart is. But somehow, I've the answer and thats heart of black.thats all I could say for now. God, can I really take back my words? Lets make a trade, if I saw him or even took a glance and after that I will walk away and now its his turn not seeing me anymore. Can I take back my words? I LOVE YOU ALOT, ALLAH.

I guess that person has gone from my life like I wish to happen and I guess my wish has come true but now Im back to one square that Im playing game at school with my mate and again today, I did search for him @ the forum area and this happen on the same time that I was again searching for him but I really wished that he'll be gone from my life. Im so sorry, love. Im really a dumbass when it comes to love no matter how hardworking am I but I really have no interested in relationship not trying to say that Im a lesbo or wad.just feel that its not the right time for me to have a relationship.Im single. All the single ladies.

I guess somehow Im like liking someone but I feel that everytime I see him because hes my classmate's cousin and at times, I spot him at anywhere I go and sometimes I will say to my mate,"hey, your cousin is at there." and today,I was somehow seating at the forum and I was seating nearby the Cafe 1 and somehow I was like looking/searching for him at the same time and when my three of my mate went to the bookshop and leaving me at the forum all alone and I was already like," how come its me the one who stay at the forum all alone" and after that I was searching for him and when we were about to head for our next lesson, we walk pass the business block and I saw him with his classmate. I didnt really know that he was seating just beside me in between the podium and I was already like shocked and surprised at the same time, like trying to ask myself, "how on earth did he appear at there?" and when I heading to the next lesson. then, my mate asked me to photocopy a timetable and I went with Azlin and when we get at the bookshop and before that we wanted to go nearby the Cafe 2 den I said, its different and when I went beside the Co-op shop, when we went towards Cafe 2, again we saw each other. Just not sure whether I like him or do I just want to end my misery by letting myself to like someone that I dont really noe and bout this and now I wish this feelings of mine will be gone and if I were to be attached with that someone, will they be able to accept that I wanted to be with them because I want to end all of this misery of mine. Will they?

I dont understand why I cant talk to boys but I can make an eye contact with him but I dont dare to look up in their eyes that long.I will either "naikkan kening" to them and they will do the same towards me.Is it because I was hurt too much thats why He want me to rest for awhile but now I dont feel the love in my heart anymore.I just feel really empty that I couldnt feel love in my heart.Usual I will feel there's an red heart within me but not its black heart is within me, maybe I should really rest and think nothing about this.Then,from there maybe I can live more happily without boys and I think this should be the mindset,have a positive mindset throughout the year will be better, no problems and theres no need to sacrifice anything at all.So, I guess hes telling me to have a long break so that I wont feel anymore heartbreak by anyone.

Its been ages that I post my past life.So it has been really ages and if Im not wrong, its been like almost a year that I have not post anything here and now I dont have any idea why I end up logging in and posting in blogger instead of onsugar. Alot of happen in this few years and somehow this blog is a private blog and I guess this is wear I can put my pain and sorrow in here.Last year till now, Im still single for at least 5 years and how long will it take for me to attached not trying to say that Im a desperado or what just feel that Im kinda pathetic and lonely with my life.Its been 7 months and Im single and now I cant imagine if I were single for 5 years.How will it feel.Life will be pathetic and I thought I can live without boys but Im afraid that I was wrong. I just feel that I want to be like any of the girls in these world.I really cant imagine when I see all of my friends and cousin are getting married,engaged and attached while Im single at one corner.